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What to feel?

Here I go again. Im sorry.

I've been really depressed lately, that I do not know what to do anymore.
For the first time after a long time, I felt how it is to love, be loved and to be hurt again and I never actually saw this coming. Just when I thought everything was going perfectly as it should be, everything eventually became so wrong that I do not know how to fix the mess that happened anymore. I felt so helpless, so hopeless. I felt like everything is coming right at me, without the plan of just letting me go, but hitting me from head to toe till I fall down on the ground. They say history repeats itself, and I think it's happening to me right now, for the second time around. When will I ever learn?

Giving your love to someone is not easy because being in a commitment means giving your trust, your time, you effort, your love to your partner. It maybe so complicated, but it's part of it. There is nothing in this world that is not complicated. May it be your relationship with your family, your friends, people at work, everywhere, anytime. It it's so damn tiring to go through the same shit every now and then, thinking you're stronger than before but then realize you've just become weaker everytime. That feeling kills every single cell in me. I always thought I was strong, and so does everyone around me. But Am I, really? Yes, I went through some bullshit too, but did I really got over it? Did I really forget? I dont know. There will be times when I feel like I don't care about it anymore and there will be times I'd still feel hurt about it, times when I feel like regretting the things I did, times when I thought I shoud've done this and that. Why do I have to be a keeper, to be someone who cherish everything I have, always thinking that what I have right now will be something I'll have forever? Why do I have to be someone filled with daydreams, which only leads me to false hopes? Why do I always think that my life could be that of in fairytales, in movies? Why can't I have a perfect life while others can?

So many questions and so many possible answers. Which one to choose? Will every question be answered while taking the roads that will take me to who I will be? Or should other questions be left unanswered for the better? I dont know. I don't know what to feel anymore.

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